Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
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My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
My kid told me that school today was “bad” and “sooo boring” and all because a teacher said he wasn’t allowed to catch lizards at recess
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.