Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”

My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.

I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.

I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.

Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!

December has 5 Saturdays.

FIVE.

That November salary will be fighting for its life.

him: *dying* avenge me

[later]

widow: ok who put him in the thor costume

Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything

Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?

There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.

“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.

A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this

If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.

I would have beaten a lot more of them up.

Don’t worry, guys. Together we can eliminate logic and reason on social media. I see some of you are already ahead of the game. Way to go

Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.

Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.

WIFE: *on our wedding night* Don’t you think today was just perfect?

ME: [remembering how I wanted a Flintstones themed wedding but was told no] I yabba dabba do not Sharon, tbh.

[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.

me: how much is this cordless mouse?

pet store employee: that’s a hamster

Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock

Life is getting worse in small but noticeable ways almost every day, but on the other hand, the quality and variety of the frozen pizza aisle has never been better.

Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.

Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.

me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around

boss: you’re still fired

My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.

Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.

Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.

GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high five

ME: he bought some dirt

GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok

ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself

I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point

me: I’m eating a new piece of cheese every day

them: is it for an advent calendar

me: no