Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.

i’ve found my new favorite subculture

[Scooby Doo at an interview]

Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.

KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that

I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.

All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.

When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.

‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’

When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny

Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.

Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.

I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”

Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.

Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.

Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.

I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.

I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?

I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”

cop: do you know why your neighbors called us

me: *into megaphone* NO

i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video

“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”

“DAD?!”

[next day]

“Where you going with that broom handle?”

“Checkin for squirrels”

Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.

Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything

Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?

Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead

Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?

Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved

Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.

What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?

Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…

when circumstances permit and someone has done something naughty or rude on the road instead of honking at them or yelling i just try to catch their eye and wag my finger in the “no no” gesture because it’s what i personally would be the most enraged by

If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.

[Standing still for a picture]

I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.

Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.