Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
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My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.