Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother

this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade

my professor scared me for a second

[first day as a police sketch artist]

Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?

Me: I used to do this at the zoo

My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.

My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser

PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!

If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.

– birds

I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way

me: I may have added too much salt

my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me

not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.

Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me

Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.

Now I feel sick

Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”

[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?

(first day as a bartender)

customer: fifth of scotch.

me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.

My wife says the kids look just like their father…

…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do

Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.

Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’

Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’

Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’

Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.

A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀

Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?

Me: Getting into my sports bra.

A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”

Not my job 😂

:office birthday party:

CW: Would you like to sign the card?

Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.

CW: His name is Joe.

My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”

date: I’m a really big people person

frankenstein: omg, same

I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.

You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.

Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?

*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*