TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
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i just got an email from our hr department informing us that, “regrettably”, our office has become “inundated” with raccoons and as of this morning, after an incident where one raccoon fell thru the ceiling, they’ve decided to let us work from home
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Be nice to us folks who wear glasses. We paid money to see you.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?