Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.

My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis

My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’

Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark

Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big

Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.

Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”

*third date, back at my place*

me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!

I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”

To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.

Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.

Boss: What are you working on?

Me: Something I have limited time to finish.

Boss: Oh, okay. I’ll leave you to it, then.

Me: [goes back to Prime Day shopping]

me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]

clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.

me: what’s halloween.

The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.

Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye

*Answers door naked*

Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲

Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.

The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise

Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.

Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.

[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese

At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit

I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.

Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.

STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?

TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.

STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.

One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.

My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.

I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.

Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.

I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again

I used to think popcorn poppers were only good for making popcorn. How right I was!

I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.

The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.

No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickers

And the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too

I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit