Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
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“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Do kids still eat Tide Pods? I forgot to buy candy.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
these two trucks have the same bed length
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)