Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
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How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
how DARE
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Drove by a woman with her car broken down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
but that was my emotional support daylight
“I licked your post.”
“You mean you liked my post?”
“No.”
Vampire: How did you find me?!
Me: We waited outside all night for you to get back
Vampire: So it was a stakeout
Me: lmao
Vampire: lmaoooo
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
astonishing how whenever you go to the post office the queue in front of you is made up almost entirely of people who appear to have ended up at the post office by accident, have in fact never visited a post office before, and have no idea what they want out of the experience
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.