Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
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Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Introduced a friend to Parks and Rec but told them Rec stands for “Reconnaissance” because spies are trying to infiltrate the parks dept.
They keep saying they can’t tell who the spies are and I just keep going, “I know, right?? They’re really good!”
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Bruh 😂
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
“the hills are alive”
“OH MY GOD HEAD FOR THE OH NOOOO I MEAN HEAD AWAY FROM THE”
“with the sound of music”
“OH GOD THE HILLS ARE GOING TO EAT US AND ALSO THEY ARE SINGING RUN FASTER!!!!”
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Me: *looking fly*
Target self-checkout camera: lol no
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.