Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
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Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
“go to hell” is basic. “i hope James cordon plays a starring role in the movie of your favorite musical” is real. it’s possible. it’s terrifying.
Beauty and the Beast
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
To anyone who heard me yelling, know that I nicely asked my children 7x to get in their car seats, and they did everything but get in their seats.
Möther may I have a snäck
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.