Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
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My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.
Simple meth.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Terribly Tuesday.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs