Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
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If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
☠️ ☠️
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
This is Chance. He’s just been entrusted with his first strawberry. Very honored. Will take care of it forever. 12/10
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
How blind am I? Thank you so much for asking. I spent entirely too long trying to beckon the cat over to me in the middle of the night only to realize upon waking that I was gesturing to a stack of towels I neglected to put away before I fell asleep
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Noticed that 9/11 and Friday the 13th are both next week and briefly had the dumb thought “it’ll be weird when they fall on the same day.”
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
What do you mean there’s only 3 hours of sunlight left, I haven’t had lunch yet???
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
I come from a long line of ancestors. My whole family tree is full of ancestors, every single branch. But not me. I decided to make a change. I’m a descendant. Never let the past hold you back.
Man collapsed on the airport luggage carousel. Authorities think he’ll be alright. He’s slowly coming around.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??