Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
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Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
I need to know what happened here in 1620.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Watching a movie on the plane? No thanks. Watching my seatmate’s movie with no audio and not understanding what’s going on for over an hour? Yassss.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
what the
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”