Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a chef]

assistant: why is your hat squeaking

You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.

I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.

Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?

Advisor: let me take their temperature

Queen: ?

Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king

Queen: how do you know?

Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises

Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.

Just didn’t want it to be a cop.

I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.

Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.

When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.

good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read

I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.

My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.

seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals

I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.

My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!

My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.

I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.

“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.

If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.

So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.

Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.

Squirrel: ours never stop growing

Walrus: and growing

Rat: and growing

Elephant: and growing

Groundhog: and growing

THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]

what’s more important?

Calories in one pistachio: 4

Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753

Take that, kale.

You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight

If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.

Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free

Me: *crying*

Tween: *crying*

Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.

Me: We are.

Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I make bad decisions

“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”

PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN