Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?

I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……

they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis

My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”

My work here is don’t.

My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.

You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.

All generalizations are stupid.

t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t

~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.

Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no

Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.

If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.

Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.

Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want

[taking FRIENDS quiz]

7. Which character do you most identify with?

Ross

8. Which is your least favorite character?

Ross

Wife: how’s potty training been today?

Me: he peed twice!

Wife: that’s great!

Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.

Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology

Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]

WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father

It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.

I am a bear.

5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.

Me: What???

5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.

[in hell]

ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad

SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—

ME: ugh

SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows

ME: UGH

“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working

the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire

Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.

There’s a window in my living room that wasn’t there yesterday. No matter what time it is, when I look out, all I see is a vast and eternal night. Something gaunt and yellow-eyed comes by and peers in, occasionally tries to open the window. I’m gonna get it with the spray bottle.

There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl

Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.

“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.