Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.

There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.

There’s also a horrible time.

Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*

When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.

My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..

We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.

My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee

I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.

Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.

Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.

Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?

Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad

Drive-thru: Dressing?

Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car

“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”

Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”

me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT

Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it

Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!

Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.

His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.

You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address

Life hack: if you run out of treadmill space for your clothes get a piano

cave of wonders: only one may enter here

aladdin: abu has to wait outside?

cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count

abu: *steals*

cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT

Me: Is it just me…

Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!

Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁

i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner

Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”

And he can, he can hold them all.

Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.

they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had

PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!

BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!

SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!

Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”

Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.

Girls are a lot like oceans,

beautiful

and deep

but once a month

it’s shark week.

I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.

Today’s affirmation:

I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.

Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.

While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.