Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job

Me: Whats the salary?

10k now and will increase to 25k later

Me: Ok then, I will come later

To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.

Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…

Be there, will be wild!

Me: How are you?

Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?

Me: I can and do.

Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*

Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car

A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?

Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!

[doing crunches]

Me: get it? ab solution?

Priest: so excommunicated

this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket

I have the body of a 30yr old

Sofa.

son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”

[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album

Nothing says I’m drunk like:

“I’m drunj.”

Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?

Me: I was only going one way…

Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲

For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.

[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now

Then: I will never lie to my children

Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.

Boss: I’m going on PTO
Me, in my head: I guess that means I’m on PTO too

Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.

I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.

MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT

[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]

Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie

I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..

Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.

Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims

Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.

If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.

At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose

How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?

Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.