Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
You Might Also Like
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
twitter actually is my diary so youre not allowed to get mad at the things i post. you’re not even supposed to be reading this. why were you going through my stuff
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Sorry about the semi trailer out front. Croutons were on sale at Costco
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
A short story about romance.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.