Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
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What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
pisses me off to see people assume justin timberlake “driving while intoxicated” = “drunk driving.” he might have been intoxicated by an aroma, a sound, an idea.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.