Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
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I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Banana is the quietest snack
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
We DO NOT throw perfectly good food away in this house.
We put leftovers in a Tupperware & let it go bad, THEN throw it out!
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Sign at work today
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
#Caturday
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
I didn’t think I had much in common with squirrels until I saw one risk his life for a crouton.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
How do I get people to bring me various casseroles without hosting a wake?
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.