Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
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The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
✌️
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
googling “effect vs affect” in an incognito window
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
Expect the unexporcupine.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing