Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
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Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH