Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.

[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one

Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.

Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?

Rey: No.

Me: Good. Let’s get started.

I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.

I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.

when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma

My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.

There is no Hotdog Bell here.

I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.

Me: I was just killing time

Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim

Halloween is great because it combines two of my favorite hobbies: driving out to a wet farm to handpick the heaviest inedible vegetable I can find, and taking my small disguised children out past their bedtimes to roam the streets in darkness

A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’

*A Girl Passes by..*

Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”

WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause

WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet

If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.

I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.

I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.

My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.

When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”

Hearing those four little words always makes my day.

“Your order just shipped.”

Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6

MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods

me: [putting socks on after sex]

her: now you have two pairs on

me: i recently lost my job

date: oh no what happened

me: the office relocated and i can’t find it

*on a first date*

Me: I’m in financ-

Her: oh finance that’s cool

Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt

I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.

Someone just called country music ‘farm emo’ and I’m dying

my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin

Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.

Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”

Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]

Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.

a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)