Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
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Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Your honor, I wasn’t trying to Tokyo drift, I WAS Tokyo drifting. Make sure that’s in the official record.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
I deserve chocolate. I just deleted a comment on Facebook that would’ve led to a political fight.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Child: Turkey pancakes?!
Me: I also have turkey hash, turkey sausages, and make sure you drink your turkey nog.
Wife: I told you the bird was too big
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
googling “effect vs affect” in an incognito window
the three branches of government
