Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.

If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.

If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.

If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.

If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.

Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?

Canadian winters be like:

Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.

mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree

In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.

I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.

I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.

Having an exorcism, but only because the demon requested it

Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing

You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.

If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”

All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.

I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.

After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.

$175 an hour, $175 an hour…

– my therapist’s notes

*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.

I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.

I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.

I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.

“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.

Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of

Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.

Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything

Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?

8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*

honestly this was all i could see so i drew it

on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme

– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!

– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.

Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%

Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”