Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
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If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
getting cute, going outside and just f*rting freely because you’re too pretty for people to suspect you ☺️
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse