Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
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Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids