Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
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A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
how to exercise your calf muscles
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater