Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*

Her: this isn’t going to work out

Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?

Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?

I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.

Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.

Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.

Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.

Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.

My favorite state to visit?

Unconsciousness

News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.

Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!

On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.

So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌

I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels

wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home

Me and my siblings:

Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.

Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?

Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.

“Am I the only one who-?”

There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.

You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.

Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday

in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality

Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.

Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.

*wants space*

*eats Milky Way*

The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.

Me: I’m so fat…

Him: *rolls eyes*

Me: *rolls fat*

I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me

my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote

me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe

I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.

Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.

DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…

romanian handyman I’ve known for two years came by today I said hey, how are you, he says “you do not need to say this”