Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
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[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Needs to be a google maps setting where you can ask them not to make you take a left across four lanes of oncoming traffic
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
I know it’s traditional to start work at 9, but I think we could lower that age to 8.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said