Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
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Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa
#DadJoke
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have neighbors who hand out vegetables for Halloween.
Warm pools make me nervous.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Bro, you’re not allowed to have your tongue drop out of your mouth and form a stair case when you see my wife anymore
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15