“tomorrow i’ll wake up early to do it”
me at 10am:
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me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
It’s not my fault that the Ouija Board always says, “you guys should order a large pizza” every time I play.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear