Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.

Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.

MDT: …

M: …

MDT: The usual?

Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.

Him: What are you doing tomorrow?

Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.

Him: *sighs*

Me: Oh, you mean between meals.

If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.

Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project

“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.

So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.

@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you

No one:

My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.

Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?

Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]

I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.

I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.

Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.

I heard you like bad boys?

*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*

Sup.

I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.

Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder

I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again

Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.

Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.

Family: You never call anymore.

Me: I’m calling now?

Fam: Now’s not a good time.

Me: When should I call?

Fam: Anytime.

I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.

Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”

former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.

I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?

Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.

That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!

Wipe it on Daddy’s

I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.

In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them

Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.