Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
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7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial
love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at the park.
She sells c-cells by the seesaw
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
the lady who waxes my eyebrows asked me what my favorite local hot dog places are and i got so animated she had to stop working for a second
Is fructose made with real fruct?
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
4 yo: “Miss Katie, when you were a baby did your parents die and leave you alone?”
My friend: “Sorry, they watched Annie yesterday.”
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.