Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise

Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry

Harry: i’m a what

Hagrid: a blizzard

Harry: a what

Hagrid: a scissors

Harry: what

Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward

Wife: He’s your son!

Me: So you say! But I don’t…

*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*

Me: …ok fine he’s my son.

Boss: can I get an update

Me: glitches out and fails to install

Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?

Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.

FD: Well then-

FS: Don’t.

FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.

Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body

Today’s homeschooling Google searches:

Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic

Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code

Cop: what

Me: what

Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.

The more I insisted marshmallows were vegetables, the angrier my doctor got.

I was yawning and mentioned my sleep was interrupted by a child in my bed.

My son pipes up and says “well I sleep great last night…because I’m not a parent.”

Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.

my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off

It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant

A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see

[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE

😜

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.

So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.

My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle

I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool

Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.

Cricket Audience: *goes wild*

Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd

50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.

Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*

Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.

Just so funny

Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…

But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”

little girl: he was a gift

horse dentist: then I cannot help you

Father: I love both my sons equally.

Max: I know that, dad.

Min: I have my doubts.

My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat