Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?

Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?

Because the rest were not-E.

It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used

Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.

No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today

Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.

Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.

Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?

‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.

How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*

beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever

There’s no such thing as Sasquatch

Those are just men who live with shedding cats

cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.

One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.

[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT

[murder scene]

MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea

Kid: Are you the babysitter?

Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!

Kid: *horrified*

Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.

Don’t worry, guys. Together we can eliminate logic and reason on social media. I see some of you are already ahead of the game. Way to go

I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular

Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.

My son told me I should have a coffee detox, I was so upset I couldn’t sleep for hours.

That’s why… not cause he was right or anything

Dear people who think every tweet is a “subtweet” about you,

IT’S NOT.

except for that one from earlier

maybe?

Regards,
Ry

Guys: I’m educated about female issues.

Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?

Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.

every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.

He-man has a Masters degree

You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby

Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.

If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.