Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.

I was with someone that did mushrooms yesterday that told me they could, like, *hear* sounds and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that’s how I receive sounds too

her: i love croissants

me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too

By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.

I just locked eyes with a spider.

But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.

I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.

Thanks YouTube

“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”

Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.

Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.

Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*

Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!

My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.

When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics

I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.

In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.

Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.

Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.

My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.

He’s the Spokesman.

Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.

“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread

her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin

me:

her:

me: i’m taking a plane, Karen

One time I wanted to avoid all the PTA moms, so I told them my cupcakes were store bought.

Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.

Me: hands up, this is a robbery?

7-11 cashier:

Therapist: what did we talk about

Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.

Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?

Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.

I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off

At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”

Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?

You do now.

From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.

Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away

Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play

8yo: Gotcha, Daddy

Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?

9yo: yes

Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?

9yo: right…

Me: SWEET

9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!