Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it

How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?

Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.

Me: But I have work tomorrow.

Brain: I don’t care-

*alarm goes off*

-okay you can sleep.

i got fired from my marketing job for pitching a reverse Hot Ones where we make famous people drink ten increasingly warm glasses of milk

Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first

*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good

Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named

Me: *Nodding* Fight Club

my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”

Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?

I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.

Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.

Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.

Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!

And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows

An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.

I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.

[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man

I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.

Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.

Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.

If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.

(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT

my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine

doctor: are you sexually active?

me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active

i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor

Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?

BF: Haha your hair!

Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures

I’m good, thanks.

Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?

Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?

Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic

Teacher: 😐😐😐

I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.

[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?