Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
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God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
what’s more important?
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great