Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.

Some people come into your life for a reason.

Like for target practice.

My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.

I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today

How to make it rain:

-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”

mom: please, please just go play with the other children

christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed

Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”

I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.

Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?

[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”

Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!

ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.

HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?

ME: *lifts visor* Just me.

If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.

Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.

Do zombies go to heaven when they die?

I hope so.

There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.

I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.

If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.

25 years ago we decided that nerds were actually cool and good. now they control the world and the complete destruction of human civilization draws nigh. I have no choice but to call up the kids who bullied me in high school for One Last Job

Dear millionaires,

If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.

[at the running of the bulls]

ME: imma try to pet ’em

Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this

[dark alley]

DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*

ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?

lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news

me: ok what’s the good news

lab assistant: you got an a on your test

me: ok…and?

lab assistant: it’s hepatitis

Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.

Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.

If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…

Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?

CONCERT

AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!

The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.

A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.