Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
You Might Also Like
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Five minutes before my break:
“Hi, I need some computer help. I need to sign into this website but to do that I need to get into my email and I don’t know any of the passwords and also I lost my phone but I assume that won’t be a problem.”
“Friday the 13th sent you, didn’t it?”
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego
…and send
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.