Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.

is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?

the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”

I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.

found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it

Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy

911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad

Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?

Me: I’m sorry, move what?

Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?

HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.

ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.

My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.

*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead

Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.

People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.

Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM

*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.

Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?

Thor: It’s just not my day.

Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.

Thor:

As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”

“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”

What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?

Oh sheet.

If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.

me: *hiding from kidnapper*

kidnapper: *sneezes*

me: BLESS YOU!

When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.

To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.

Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!

Someone call 911!

Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done

3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.

Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.

Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood

i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs

We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.