Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
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If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
KNOCK KNOCK!
Who’s there?
*Note appears through letterbox* “We tried to deliver your parcel…”
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
#Caturday
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Me irl
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-