Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.

[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.

Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.

Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.

tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear

The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan

and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this

– me on my own cooking show

when someone rings the doorbell

GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it

HUMANITY: deal

I have to consciously stop myself from ending all my work calls with “love you bye”

me: *turns around in swivel chair*

*tents fingers*

I guess you never expected to see ME again…

Boss: Must we do this every Monday?

“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”

Me: I need to see a supervisor

Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am

I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.

Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6

This chick just said Q as in cucumber.

I’ma just focus on me.

WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you

Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza. 
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.

Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?

Me: He travels, A LOT.

If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.

Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food

some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.

but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.

During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.

There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.

Except for a broken foot.

Then you should see a doctor.

Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.

As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.

What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.

I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.