Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
You Might Also Like
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.