Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
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Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Me: I’m Absolutely broke
State of the art tech advertisers who know every single detail of my life: She needs the nicest most expensive bag ever! Oh and Taylor Swift tickets, at 3 times the original price!
#wtfuture
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
“All you can control is yourself,” I told myself as though I’d never seen my Mastercard statement
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
GUYS.
For the past two years the ticket man at my station has baffled me. Some days we get on like a house on fire, chatting about life. Other days he won’t even return a hello…turns out to be a pair of identical twins who both work there.
TWO SEPERATE MEN.
TWO YEARS GUYS.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂