Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex

Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.

Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.

My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.

I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.

This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”

Apparently telling your friends not to stress about their wedding because “it’s your first marriage” is not the right thing to say

My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.

I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.

Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.

If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down

It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.

My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle

What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?

Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?

One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”

My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.

i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled

Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf

one time i asked the guy i was dating at the time if he would still love me if i was a worm and he said ‘no but i would build u a terrarium and make sure ur safe and also so u could see the girl i date after :)’ and it caused a huge fight lol

Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number

People: What the

Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.

[getting a number at a bar]

girl: 1-235-813-2134

Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested

we really living in the the most difficult section of someone’s AP gov exam in 2053

I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily

But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special

Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.

Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.

[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late

Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?

I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.

5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!

Me: *holding back tears* I remember