Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dearest Twitter,

Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.

I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.

“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean

“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword

Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th

Can’t

I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am

Mom: Where are you?

Me: Mumbai

Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!

I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…

my google home just took a command from the movie I was watching and said “got it, now playing ‘I’m the one’ by DJ Khaled featuring Justin Bieber” and when I said STOP it stopped playing the movie I was watching. Everything is insane

[Spills wine]

“My medicine!!”

Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.

Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?

-Me at work talking to guests.

Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.

I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.

Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse

Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.

[reading Harry Potter]

Me: Do you know what’s going on?

3-year-old: He went to lizard school.

I’d correct her, but her version is better.

DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/

I hate hotel bath towels.
So thick and fluffy I can’t even close my suitcase!!

my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”

(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany

ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt

ME: thanks i worked really hard on it

Boss: Did you get my email?

Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.

Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.

thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk

It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.

I’m fine by the way.

Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.

our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him

[news anchor]

“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”

Me: Did-

Wife: Your blood pressure is fine

i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”