tomorrow isn’t promised, so punch that person in the face today.
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I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Imagine if the scientists who made Covid combined m-pox with disease x and made X-Pox. The variants could be X-Pox 360, X-Pox One, and X-Pox Series X/S
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)