tomorrow isn’t promised, so punch that person in the face today.
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Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Shout-out to the dad who suggested we have a parents vs. kids game for the last soccer practice, and then didn’t show up to the game where us parents almost died playing 12 – 14 year olds “taking it easy” on us in 80-degree weather.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
If you respond, “My bra is too tight” every time a coworker approaches, they will stop asking you questions.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
