Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.

online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”

me: what’s wrong?

date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal

me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…

date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses

I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.

BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is

this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that

When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!

All the slides were just pictures of me….

Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”

Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”

We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.

Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.

911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?

Me: No. Pizza.

Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs

Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.

GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo

*family screams*

SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people

Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.

I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when

If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.

To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.

Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?

[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff

I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.

Me: how are you feeling about all of this?

Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.

Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.

i wish there was a way to online shoplift 🙁

Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic

Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code

Cop: what

Me: what

remember: when a band skips your city on tour it is always personal and they always hate you specifically

I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”

[operating room]

NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…

NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now

Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.

Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?

Me: I’d use the elevators

Hiring Manager:

Me: Elevators, Sir.

Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake

I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.