tomorrow isn’t promised, so punch that person in the face today.
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Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Duck typos.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.