Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
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Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
jokes on you i can still tweet in a straitjacket
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Blew out my flip flop…
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative