Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
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I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
I’m in New Orleans for the weekend. It must be tough to be a drunk in this city, I’ve yet to encounter a level sidewalk
[Flirting]
I can turn anything into a PDF, baby.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Me: how are you
Friday: good
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
doing your own taxes
My 6yo told me his classmate has a pet wolf, and it’s giving him some ideas about our current pet situation
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
My kids have been very keen on mandarins (which 3yo calls “baby oranges”) for the past two days so I bought a 5lb bag. If you have children I’m sure you can guess what is going to happen next
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.