Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
You Might Also Like
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.