*guy looks around to see if anyone is looking*
*sees the coast is clear, licks tree*
And that’s how they found out about maple syrup
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
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One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
We kissed. We undressed. I felt her heart beat. I used her bathroom. I saw Colgate toothpaste. I left. We never spoke again.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*