Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…

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*guy looks around to see if anyone is looking*

*sees the coast is clear, licks tree*

And that’s how they found out about maple syrup


One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”


If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.


Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’


As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”

So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.


FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”


Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.


We kissed. We undressed. I felt her heart beat. I used her bathroom. I saw Colgate toothpaste. I left. We never spoke again.