Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.

Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.

describing stardew valley

How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?

Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swords

How about your kid?

I know karate and tons of other words.

*Calling from the bakery

Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”

Her: “Surprise me!”

Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”

Me: [watching news]
Child: Why do you watch the news?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: I asked-
Me: I’M THINKING

Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!

Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*

“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”

I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.

Why are bridges so flammable.

God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.

Butterfly: please?

God: I can’t do it.

Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?

God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.

Butterfly: ok fine : (

Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.

[My first day as an architecture major]

*raises hand*

When are we going to learn how to build gingerbread houses?

My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.

Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.

Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*

Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….

Me: Shit.

I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.

WHAT ARE WE?

Writers!

WHAT ARE WE WRITING?

Snacks!

WAIT, WHAT?

Snacks first, THEN writing!

No, wait, coffee/tea too!

Maybe a nap beforehand!

THEN WRITING?

No, then Twitter

THEN WRITING!

Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow

#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity

Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.

God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?

Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.

God: *Starts giggling*

Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?

God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*

Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..

God: And you cant speak.

[Incoherent bird noise]

When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast

Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough

It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.

Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.

My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”

There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.

“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”

*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…

wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen

How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:

1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable