Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.

A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.

Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”

In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.

after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion

I snorted all the lines i was supposed to read between

uh yeah, I accept. No brainer

Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.

Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.

I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight

Until my 30s I ate the whole Apple, core and all. When people looked surprised, I told them it was healthy; the ‘whole food’. Then my Mum admitted she’d taught me that so I didn’t leave rotting apple cores in the back seat of the car.

And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone

Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.

After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.

At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.

Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression

Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-

Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE

Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.

No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.

Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that one time you tried to get in on the friend group’s riff and your joke bombed so hard that it changed the whole vibe

BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond

My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.

ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”

[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-

My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.

13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.

North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.

me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?

her: wedding attire?

me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man

I don’t cry when I cut onions because I have this little thing called composure.

[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]

My Son: Where’s his lawyer?

Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.

My Son: *heavy sigh*

When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.

[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.

Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.