Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
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Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Mom: Hey, suddenly I can see your posts on Twitter now.
Me: Yeah, wow, that was so weird before when you couldn’t.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
I don’t regret becoming a stand-up comedian for one minute. I regret that I carried on after that first minute.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.