Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
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OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
AI is trained on what we write, so if we want to save our jobs we should all write really badly for a while. I’ve been doing my bit for years.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now