Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
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crochet youtube is brutal
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Me: that curry was delicious. What was in it?
Hannibal Lecter: it’s a family recipe.
Me: Can I get a spoon to finish off the sauce?
Hannibal: Just mop it up with your nan.
“We’d love to hear your feedback about our site!”
I don’t think you will….
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
can’t catch a break
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
