Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
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*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
🤣😂🤣😂
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
problems i need
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.