Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
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My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
😂💯
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*