Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.

I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that

*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*

me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please

If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.

My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂

I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…

18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese

[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?

My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting

In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.

My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.

if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer

me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”

[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi

In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.

*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*

*goes produce shopping*

Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.

*minds peas & queues*

So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.

Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.

Me: hi

Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking

I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning

I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.

lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian

Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.

One time I wanted to avoid all the PTA moms, so I told them my cupcakes were store bought.

Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”

My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating

When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.

Me: You know what would be really handy? A small bobcat.

Friend: The animal or the bulldozer? Since it’s you talkin’, I have no idea.

Finally!