Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”

-cheapskates

We all like to think we’re smart. Idk why I’ll click and make sure the car is locked just to see the lights go on 2-3x.
Extra lockiness.

shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me

Me trying to figure out if this cantaloupe is ripe

when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour

If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.

Coffee for people with no kids

Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics

Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!

I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.

My swear jar has cards in it you take out and scream whatever’s written on them.

on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house

I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me

cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding

me: fine

My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.

putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler

Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.

After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.

If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”

I’m not sad, I’m big moaned

Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo

I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”

cop: got any drugs on you

me: nah

cop: how about in your car

me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately

I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.

Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.

Me: Two men enter, one man leaves

Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?

When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.

[on phone]

Of course I trust you, babe. Always.

*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*

My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever

ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?

VICTIM: No

ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.