Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Always remember…. A mirror never lies.

(Fatty)

me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*

her: nope just crazy

me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons

Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:

cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws

how many bears make up a bear minimum

The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers

My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”

Me: “wedding cake”.

7 foot tall undergrad told me that he was going to have to miss class for a game and, not wanting to make assumptions, I asked him what team he was on and he just said “come on” lmao

Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?

Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN

Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?

Kangaroo: Oh nevermind

Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.

What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since

i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better

Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.

6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥

Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”

“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks

me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”

[Valentine’s Day]

Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?

Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?

[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.

I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.

I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.

I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes

Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident

Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.

Intelligence is the new cleavage

My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.

Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.

There are two types of people:

-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods

-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits

Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.

dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse