Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.

*at the gym*

Trainor: Have a donut.

Me: Wow! Sure!

T: Here’s some pizza.

M: What kind of trainer are you?

T: I’m a Megan Trainor.

History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”

6 month checkup…

Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.

I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 goose

Looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread

A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.

70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.

Thanks, Facebook, for reminding me that on this very day back in 2012 I used a stick of butter to grease the 3 year old’s trapped legs from a bunk bed ladder.

Parenting is fun.

The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.

toast can’t talk how do you know it’s french

PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers

ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam

2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris

I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.

I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.

Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”

I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.

(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)

It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.

Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”

I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.

Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.

Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.

My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.

*Licking my plate clean

Girlfriend)You still have to wash that

Me)This house is a prison

i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about

Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?

Librarian : They’re right behind you.

#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas

Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.

*at least it’s a short knife.

One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.

Or I need new glasses. Again.

I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank

I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”