Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
You Might Also Like
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
my car accidentally drove to chick-fil-a again i hate when it does that
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Me [on the couch]: Well, it was a nice holiday break, but now it’s time to go back to work.
Me: [moves to other end of couch and opens laptop]
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
entitled millennials are “quiet nourishing” – taking 20, even 30 minutes out of the middle of the work day to eat food. we interviewed 87 corporate bosses who hate it
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Hobbies Include:
Washing and drying clothes with tissues in the pockets.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair