Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
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Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
peak technology
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Monday Lisa
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids