Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
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Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Me: I know what you’re thinking. Everyone thinks it’s suspicious that my husbands died of natural causes so early in life
Him: One fell while hiking, one tumbled out of his office window and the other drove his car into the ocean.
Me: Gravity is natural.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid