Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
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I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.