Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
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ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
I got one brain cell left & it moves around my head like a windows screensaver
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart