Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”

Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.

I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now

I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now

Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming

HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.

[Running away from home]

Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!

Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.

nooOOO now I have to dunk my phone in water!!!

I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.

For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:

“sry that wsnt for u”

therapist: whats the problem?

me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.

therapist: sounds like you’re bananas

Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me

They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.

Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.

If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.

The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence

Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.

grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken

king: how many horses do you have?

grocer: what

king: [panicking] how many men?

therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will

me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl

therapist; that’s progress

me: haven’t tried flying yet

therapist: please don’t

me: you sound just like her

Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love

Her: I’m not hungry

Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.

My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.

Yo. I spit out my drink 😂

“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”

– Cat game shows

Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*

Me: same

Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck

My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.

The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.