Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.

every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again

Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!

Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead

Dolphin: *deep breath*

Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter

son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS

SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”

My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein

[ english class ]

me: this is useless, i’m outta here

*20 years later*

judge: please rise for your sentence

me: my what

how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me

tfw you’re yelling at the tv and the contestant finally comes up with the same answer as you’ve been yelling, and it’s wrong.

1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”

Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

Will keep you posted.

My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.

What is Iron Man without his suit?

Stark naked.

If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.

10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST

Me [all day]: tired

Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?

Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.

If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.

[reading humpty dumpty]

with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that

Possums basically just grow until they die so if u see a really big possum that is an elder and u should be respectful or u will not see the kingdom of heaven

Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.

me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok

Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!

Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!

(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”

“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”

“FALSE ADVERTISING!”

Recycling bottles.

Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest

Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic

Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?

Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped

Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then

“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”

At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?