Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME *traps wasp under a cup*

MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*

ME: no

MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*

FRED: right

That was easy.

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.

[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now

Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”

Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”

*wall breaks down*

Superman: “OMG really??”

Batman: “No.”

*gets period*

“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”

*installs google translate*

*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*

*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*

“See you on the other side…”

~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone

Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.

I start training at mime school on Monday.

So if you don’t hear from me…

How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:

Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.

The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”

My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor

A flock of dads is called a grill.

DATE: I love heavy metal

ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium

(wine tasting)

WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!

I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.

I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.

I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers

I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.

If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.

‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.

sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”

An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.

My love language is deader than Latin

My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.

fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it

4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.

For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.