Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
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*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
mariah carrie
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport