Tonight at my family reunion my husband played a game of volleyball with a handful of 8-year-olds and afterward he told me, with such pride, “I learned that I’m actually pretty athletic.”
8-year-olds. One of them had a cast. Another was eating ice cream the entire time.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles
God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
