Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Coffee ain’t cutting it anymore. I need to eat batteries. 😭
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
I can handle anything that comes my way except for when I’m hungry or sleepy or stressed or have a stuffy nose
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
(skipping class)
friend: what about the hall minotaurs?
me: you mean hall monitors?
*slow stomping noises*
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
