tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
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oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
hide the Elf on the Shelf while you’re drunk so it can be a searching game for both you & the kids the next morning
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Remember in the early days of the internet, when you’d go on chat rooms and it was just a scrolling screen of strangers yelling random things? It’s amazing how much has changed since then
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.