tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
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The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
*bumps into old work colleague*
*chats for 30 seconds*
Them: “we should totally catch up soon”
My brain: no, this was enough catching!
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Darth Vader: “My wife is dead so l’m gonna kill a lot of people :(”
Someone: “Oh, that sucks. Who killed her?”
Darth Vader: >:(
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.