Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
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I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
“If you swallow cherry pits, a cherry tree will grow in your stomach” have you seen cherry prices lately? That sounds like a great way to save money
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Pre- means before, and • post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.