Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
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My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
My 1st grader is home sick today and this morning I caught him trying to cough directly onto his older brother.
I asked why he did that and he said it’s because he loves him and thinks he deserves a day off of school too.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.