Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes

Dear Ad Agencies,

Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.

On behalf of dog owners everywhere,

Thanks!

Them: Have you tried dieting?

Me: Have you ever tried pizza?

Sunday

My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.

Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-

Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!

boss: oh God

Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!

The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat

I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal

It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”

That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.

Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.

*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*

Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.

“Turn chicken shit into chicken salad” is a terrible saying. I still don’t wanna eat that chicken salad. It used to be chicken shit

[1st day as a dr]

macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band

nurse: ahh we dont have those

macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery

nurse: umm how about a scalpel?

macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work

Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips

Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.

I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.

However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.

#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes

Clarissa didn’t explain this at all

While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times

Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*

My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded

Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?

The opposite of goth is stopth.

Exercise won’t cure your depression, but it will make you hotter than your ex. Which is sort of the same thing.

I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit

My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.

I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.

[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real

THIS HEADLINE

i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings

I SAID: How’s vacation going?

MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.

Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.