Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
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[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
my relationship with the mailman is pretty toxic. one day he brings me gifts and i love him 😍. the next day he brings me bills and i hate him 🤬. but he always comes back 😌
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”