Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”

-People

I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues

I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.

I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.

I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left

Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately

Me: Really?

5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for

Me: omg

I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.

If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive

LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.

I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.

You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.

It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.

That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.

I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?

Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.

You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.

When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.

When humans do it, they lose a finger.

Me: I’m going to eat healthier.

My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.

I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.

He said “so what would be the difference?”

If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.

I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head

[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face

I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.

Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.

QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.

Whoa… oh I see lol

If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.

I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.

my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.

Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.