Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
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Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
The internet is magic sometimes.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
do horses think humans are hats
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
This is my pinned tweet
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
Noam Chomsky sounds like the legal name of the very hungry caterpillar
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?