Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
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I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Can you imagine… an archeologist… sweeping their house… with that tiny little broom
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
you left your water bottle on the roof of the car. oh wait, never mind, it won’t fall. the babies holding it
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
If my son ever came out as gay I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else