Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Supermassive Black Hole
Or what others call pizza night

Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.

Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth

TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth

This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360

Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.

Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.

Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.

I hunt* my own food.

*run down the street after the ice cream truck

Body: time to sleep.

Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.

Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”

[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.

If you can’t pay off your reverse mortgage, does your house have to give you to the bank?

My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.

Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion

[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)

Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.

But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”

The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home

SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.

If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.

When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.

Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?

Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn

thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent

Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.

me: sorry for speeding officer

cop: you’re parked

me:

cop: in the intersection

me: I can smell your thoughts

cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles

what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti

I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat

Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”

Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho

A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name

Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING

My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars