Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
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INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
Student email: “hello…”
Student extension request email: “your grace…”
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
These apps are getting out of control.
There I was, laying on a slab of rock in an ancient temple about to be sacrificed by a cult and they have the audacity to ask me to download their app and rate their sacrifice experience.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do