Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.

friend: edible kick in?

me [washing my hands]: not yet

friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?

God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..

Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze

God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row

Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?

Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please

My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down

before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’

after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’

Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok

He hands me the remote and goes to bed

And that’s how it’s done

I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.

Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?

Walmart after hours
Walmart after dark

Almost anything…

It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.

If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.

oh youre into retro physical media and urban exploration? enjoy getting killed by a japanese ghost while im playing black ops 6 in my unhaunted house, idiot

My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔

I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car

Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]

Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun

I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.

i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.

This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it

“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks

Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.

You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey

“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”

Aliens: WHAT

First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.

Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.

SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel

NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second

Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah

Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful

If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.

Your mother has terrible taste in children.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.

ME: That’s beautiful.

CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.

ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.

FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?

ME: No way

FRIEND: Why not?

ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me